Observations from the cottage and my life…

What do I do with myself now? I have recently semi-retired from my day job. I am surprised at how much I am struggling with this new phase!

I am lucky. I am able to partially retire now at age 57, with the intent to be fully retired next year. Don’t get me wrong…I appreciate that I am privileged to be able to do this. I know that not many people can. I don’t want this post to sound whiny or unappreciative of the position that I am in. I know I should be grateful and I am!

So, I’ve gone from working five days a week, to working one. And, when I say I worked five days a week, it wasn’t just a nine to five job where I would leave at quitting time and not think about the job again until I returned. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about work things. I watched my work emails after hours, just in case a client emailed and needed something. I cared about work and the clients that I helped. I still do. I felt capable and needed when I was at work.

My new role has placed me in the office as a helper and trainer, working behind the scenes. This is all good, but it is hard to shut off the worker that I used to be. Because I am no longer client facing, I no longer have to check emails regularly or be connected 24/7. I have much less responsibility!

I now have a lot more free time!

I have enjoyed the ability and time to work on the things that I have put off for a long time because I never seemed to have the time to do them. Cleaning and organizing stuff that have been long neglected, helps me feel like I am accomplishing something! I look around me today and I see a lot more of these ‘projects’ so I know I have lots I can be doing.

We’ve (Kevin has retired too) joined the gym! This has been great to give me a goal and some place to be. But, going to the gym only takes an hour a day! That leaves a lot of time left to dedicate to something.

This is where I am struggling. At work, I felt needed, confident, accomplished, fulfilled. How do I find that now that I am on my own?

I am blessed that I can now be here if the kids or grandkids need me, and yes, that is fulfilling and gives me a lot of pleasure. There is nothing like quiet time spent with these people that I love.

What I am missing perhaps is a sense of purpose. This unfortunately, isn’t easy to find. It, I sense, is going to take some soul searching and some experimenting. My plan is to take it slow, think about what matters to me, find the things that I enjoy. There are some things I know for sure:

I need to spend time in nature! Spending time outside helps to rejuvenate and refresh me. It centers me and grounds me, giving me time to just be… to breathe. To this end, I hope to get out and do a lot of walking and exploring this spring and summer. Anyone want to join me? Maybe we can start a walking club! We can get out and walk some of the great trails around here and at the same time, get to know one another better. I also plan to do some regular kayaking at the cottage. Maybe take up paddle boarding! My gardens at home and at the cottage could also use some much needed attention!

I need to be creative. This blog is part of that process for me. I want to keep it going. Kev and I have a big trip to Europe coming up soon so watch for blog posts about our escapades! As a kid, I used to love to draw and write. I hope to reconnect with that inner child and will sign up for a drawing or painting class when I am back from our trip.

I need to get and stay healthy. We hear so many stories of people retiring and then getting an illness that sidelines them or God forbid, kills them. I want to do everything I can to get healthy. This has been a crazy year of viruses and colds and covid. I need to make sure I am getting exercise, eating well and doing what I need to help keep me healthy and mentally sharp. What that all means is that I have to get way more disciplined with myself, while also having a healthy balance of fun!

I need to give back. I have been so blessed in my life. Others have not. I plan to find a place that I can volunteer where I can be of use to those less fortunate. Perhaps, this above others, will give me the purpose that I am looking for.

I need to connect with family and friends. These connections are what makes life worth living. So much of life is spent busily working and going from one task to another. I need to slow down, take time for a lunch, a walk, a visit with family and friends. Life is short. In the end, these connections are what matters the most.

As I adjust, experiment and try new things, I will keep you posted! Perhaps, my experiences will help someone else who is struggling to adjust to a life change, like retirement.

I won’t lie (well not right now anyway). These hypnosis sessions are hard. I haven’t written for the past couple of weeks, trying to wrap my head around what I have learned in the past two sessions. One thing I have noticed is that my life has been molded and affected by a few events in my young life. It is interesting that each week, exploring different feelings and emotions, I end up in similar places, trying to refocus, reframe and heal the past.

Session 3 was all about facing fear. Under hypnosis, we journeyed back to the first time that I remember feeling fear as a child. This one was easy for me. As I a child, my first memories of my family are very happy ones. This may be because I wasn’t privy to everything that was happening around me. I was young after all! My first memory of fear, is of waking up in the middle of the night to yelling and crying; my parents arguing. When reading this, you will think, yeah, no big deal, all families and parents argue. All true. This one was different though and culminated in my eight year old naïve self standing on our upstairs landing, yelling at my Dad not to leave me. I don’t want to go through all the details from that night, but suffice it to say he left. They later divorced. I spent a good part of my childhood from then until I was 20 or so, without him in my life.

Hence the fear; fear of change; fear of abandonment; fear of confrontation; fear that I had done something wrong. If you are a child of divorced parents, you can likely relate!

During hypnosis, we explored what that fear felt like as a young child in that situation and what it looked like as I was looking down at the past from a subconscious level, high above. The fear felt dark and heavy and I could feel a weight and pressure physically in my chest. The fear manifested into a wall, smooth and black, totally surrounding me on all sides, non penetrable, protecting me and closing me off.

At a subconscious level, we looked at the situation using logic and with the value of hindsight. As an adult I could understand why my Dad left, why my Mom wanted him to. I can look at the situation and see their actions through the lens of each of their pasts. I can forgive them for their role in causing me fear.

What was interesting was looking at how that protective black wall built from fear, has manifested itself in my life. I acknowledged the wall that once had protected me as a child, has morphed into something I hide behind as an adult. I avoid conflict at all costs. I do not let people ‘in’ easily. I don’t like to speak up for fear I will be rejected. I fear social situations for the same reason. I feel like I have been hiding my whole life.

The hypnotist asked me if the black wall was serving me anymore. I was surprised to acknowledge that with this new acceptance and understanding, the wall now felt suffocating. I told her that I wanted it gone. I wanted to emerge from the fear that had been holding me back. This is all very hard to explain here! She talked me through it – explaining that some of that protection and fear is important to keep. The part of it that sees danger and helps to keep me safe, for example. Instead of removing the wall completely, we visualized the wall becoming something useful. A friend that walks beside me, guiding me, helping me when I need it but not suffocating me. A friend who will allow me to be me without the unrealistic and all-encompassing fear. This was a very liberating exercise.

I’m sure some people reading this will think it all sounds a bit ‘woo hoo’, lol. It does! The bottom line is that the hypnosis, visualization and re-framing is all helping me to change the way my mind works. I already feel different.

Session four, yesterday, was about hurt. It is basically the same process each week, dealing with a different emotion. We go back into the past to the first time I remember feeling each emotion, look at the event and the people involved. The session was similar to the session the week before on fear. I was nine and at the mercy of the adults around me. It was emotionally painful to go back there and I could physically feel the suffering of my young self.

The visualization had my adult self pulling my young self from this situation. Together we went away from the situation and the hypnotist had me talk, out loud, to my nine year old self. Wow. Hard work! Through this exercise, young Kelli was acknowledged, protected, understood, loved, supported and ultimately freed from the hurt. I have always felt like that part of me has been stuck in the past. I am beginning to understand young Kelli and to acknowledge the part of me that is her and to appreciate her for who she is. Together we will move into this next chapter of our life, whole and free!

Yesterday was day two of this hypnosis journey that I am on. I am feeling very optimistic about this process. I am already beginning to see progress and changes to how I am feeling and how I am thinking.

Yesterday we worked back to a time when I first felt depression. Once again the therapist had me separate my subconscious from myself. My subconscious would then look down at myself, and the situation. I was able to work through the initial situation that came up, pretty easily, however my subconscious mind kept prompting me, leading me back, on my time line, even further, to childhood and a completely different situation. A difficult one.

I am not going to bore you with the details, mostly because I don’t want to go back there again and also because I feel like I worked really hard to resolve it and the hold it has had on me for most of my life. The hypnosis and visualization process is very helpful in that it helps you to separate yourself from the event and the people involved in the event. I was able to pull my younger self, through visualization, from that situation. We observed it together from a distance – my 57 year old self and my 10 year old self. We both learned so much from each other. While adult Kelli was more rational, young Kelli was scared and hidden. It was a gift to go back and be with my younger self in that situation. Though painful and emotional, I was able to comfort the younger version of myself and tell her that it would be alright. I visualized taking her from the situation and giving her a loving and meaningful hug. She in return, gave me a deep understanding of who I am and why I am the way I am but also she gave me an understanding of my way forward.

Little Kelli learned at a young age to hide. She learned to walk the straight and narrow, to follow the rules, to be seen and not heard. She learned to be invisible, to avoid conflict at all costs or someone may get hurt. She learned that everyone around her mattered more than she did. A hard lesson for a child to learn from the people around her that were supposed to love and nurture her.

It was a lightbulb moment for me! No wonder I feel guilty every time I say no to someone. No wonder I never want to speak up. No wonder I hang back in social situations, afraid to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, be the wrong thing. It was programmed in me at 10 years of age.

Through the visualization exercise yesterday, I was able to tell my young self some much needed truths- you are not responsible for other people’s happiness; it was not your fault: you matter.

The hypnosis exercise yesterday also allowed us (old Kelli and young Kelli) to confront the others involved in that past situation. We told them the effect that their actions had on us. We were painfully honest. It was difficult, emotional work. We sat face to face with them, and explained the hurt, the fear, the longing. When we were done, we looked them in the eye and we offered forgiveness and then even a long healing hug. It was powerful and meaningful in a way that is beyond expressing in mere words, here.

I cannot explain how this exercise has affected me. I feel like a weight has somehow been lifted. I feel relief and I feel so hopeful that I can move forward without this old oppressive heaviness dragging at me.

It is early days but I feel like I am changing and growing.

Note from the author: Some of you are likely wondering why I am sharing this stuff. I am writing about my journey because it is healing to me. The record of it, will help me to remember the hard work I am doing and to keep me focused on the path forward. I am sharing it though in the hope that what I learn and go through will help someone else who has struggled or is struggling to come to terms with the person they are and the person they want to become. If, by me sharing this, someone else learns something or reaches out for help, it makes it all worthwhile.

I am embarking on a new journey.  A few short months from now I will be retiring.  At this junction in my life, I have this strong desire to fix the things that are holding me back.  I want to go into this new phase of my life, the best version of myself that I can be. 

It is a work in progress.  One of the pieces, I started this afternoon.  I have decided to try a new type of therapy – Hypnosis. Through this process, I will be examining emotions and the experiences where I first felt these emotions. This is all in an attempt to release the things that have negatively impacted the adult that I am. 

I had my first hypnosis appointment today.  Releasing Anger. Anger is a weird emotion… Our past experiences influence the way we react today. I went back, through hypnosis, to a young age where I first experienced anger. Through the exercise, my subconscious was looking down at the experience, not experiencing it first hand. I was able to filter the experience by reframing it and giving it the benefit of my 57-year-old self’s knowledge and wisdom. By rethinking and refocusing on other things, such as the things that may have been happening in the background that I didn’t know about at the time or the main player’s past experiences that had lead them to that place, I found I was able to replace my anger with compassion for myself and for the other people around me in that experience.  I am probably not explaining this correctly. I’m not saying that the things from childhood that I experienced, didn’t give me a right to feel anger.  They did.  But what I now realize, and if I am honest, have suspected for a long time, is that holding on to the anger some 50 years later, is not serving me. In fact, it was so clear to me today that the anger is hurting me. It was a physical weight I felt.  A heaviness in my chest.  A darkness.  The hypnosis session helped me to release that pent up anger and refocus.  Accept what was.  Move on.    

We all live through experiences that leave us with baggage.  That baggage has shaped us into the people we have become.  Sometimes that baggage is helpful- maybe I learned at a young age to protect myself from true danger.  The remainder of my life, that knowledge will help keep me safe.  But what if the experience, as seen and felt through the eyes, ears and heart of a child, is misconstrued and misinterpreted?  What if the experience in some way causes you to feel guilty, like the experience was your fault when it wasn’t?  What if the experience causes you to distrust others unjustly?  What if the experience causes you to dislike yourself?  These thoughts and emotions are not helpful to you… life would be so much easier for you, if you let those long held beliefs go; if you reframed your experience. You were a child, you were not responsible nor did you have any control over the situation or the adults in your life.  Everyone is flawed… the adults in your young life, included.  They made mistakes, sometimes horrible ones. Releasing the anger will make you feel lighter, freer, unencumbered by a childhood that you didn’t have any say over.

Releasing the anger caused a tsunami of emotion today that left me feeling drained and exhausted but also so very hopeful- Hopeful that I will, someday soon, be free of the emotional ties that bind me.  The long held negative self image that has followed me everywhere has made me a more timid, fearful, apologetic, anxious, neurotic shadow of the person I can and want to be.  It is time to let that stuff go! 

I am finding myself.

It’s Mother’s day. A day that we celebrate the women around us who made us who we are. As I write this I am sitting at my desk, looking out the window at my birdfeeder. I’ve heard my backyard Cardinal singing since 4 am this morning and he has just blessed me with a short visit. Cardinals, they say, represent a deceased loved one, watching over you. Coincidence? I think not! Smiling, I wished him a Happy Mother’s Day and he flew away.

I’ve thought about my Mom a lot this week. The week leading up to Mother’s day and her birthday on May 12th is always a time for reminiscing and missing her. This year, I am trying something new- I am trying to not let grief rob me of celebrating how lucky I was to have the Mom that I did. So in that vein- these are some of the gifts that my Mama gave me…

Life- My Mom (and yes, my Dad) gave me this basic necessity- life! I almost didn’t put this on the list because, well, it is pretty self explanatory! But giving life and making a life are two different things.

My Mom’s life was hard. Anyone who knew her, knows this was her truth. She was a valiant fighter. No matter her situation, she always strived to make the best of things. No matter where we were living, she tried to make every home we lived in homey, whether that was a crappy old apartment in the oldest house in Prescott or a run down building in Brockville, she scrubbed and cleaned and hung up pretty curtains. One move to an apartment in Arnprior stands out. The two bedroom apartment was ok- run of the mill basics- white walls, closet sized kitchen and bathroom. The one feature Mom could not tolerate was the dingy, dirty, dark parquet flooring. It had seen a lot of wear and tear and it was clear that over the years, previous tenants had just waxed over the dinge. My Mom tackled that floor like the warrior woman she was. She scraped for weeks! Every slat on that floor got her full attention. She used a narrow one inch scraper until all that old grey buildup was gone and the golden floor shone through. It was spectular! Of course, within weeks, we were back living at Frank’s house and all that hard work had been for not but the image of her scraping that floor will stay with me forever. Her hard work was cathartic for her, I am sure, but it was also one of those teaching moments. I was in grade nine at the time and though I don’t remember my attitude then, I can imagine that it was one of indifference. However, watching her day after day taught me about perseverance, hard work and pride in the job you do.

Love- One of the best gifts that my Mom gave me- her “I love you”. The one thing I know for certain is that she loved me and I know this because she told me- every phone call, every good night as a child, every visit. If you take nothing else away from this post- take this: Tell them you love them! If today was your last day, would they know, down to their core, that you love them?

Laughter- My Mom had a great laugh! She had a self deprecating sense of humour and lots of her funny stories came from her adventures, most of which involved driving somewhere and getting lost. In her defense, it wasn’t always her that was driving. One Saturday, her and I set out on a girl’s day, heading to the Pickering Flea Market from our house in Peterborough. Anyone from Peterborough knows that this trip usually takes an hour at most. We were chatting and I was driving. It was a sunny warm day, perfect for a road trip, thankfully. We decided to take the ‘backroads’, the scenic route, Mom called it. After about 2 hours, it became clear that we were not moving in the right direction- we came to this small bridge (so narrow only one vehicle could cross it) where a sign indicated something about cyclists needing to dismount before proceeding onto said bridge. We decided to turn around! When we did, we began to notice signs that we hadn’t previously seen which announced our arrival at the Toronto Zoo! I guess we had been engrossed in conversation and I, our driver, had not really been paying attention! At this point in the trip, we were laughing so hard, we both had to pee. We still had no idea where the flea market was or how to get to Pickering for that matter. We decide to make a pit stop at the nearest Tim Hortons and ask for directions. Laughing heartily we make our way to the counter… I try to explain the situation to the young girl waiting to serve us. Mom starts to laugh again. This triggers me to start laughing again. We can’t speak at this point… the girl who obviously thinks we are on something, rolls her eyes. We start laughing harder! We look at one another, turn and run to the bathroom to try to compose ourselves. We never did make it to the flea market. I called Kevin eventually and got directions to return home!

I am also reminded of Mom and Aunt Lillian’s road trip to see Jill in Nova Scotia one summer. I have never laughed as hard as I have than any of the times that I have heard either of them recount this journey. Starts out with them deciding they are going to go via the US side. They end up going through the same boarder crossing, three times in the span of 30 minutes… driving in circles. The third time, the boarder agent tells them to get a map! The story is too long to retell here but suffice it say, they laughed long and hard during that trip!

Little Traditions- It’s the little things that make a Mother a Mom. Mom always tucked us in at night, with hugs and kisses- something I often think about now as I tuck my grandsons in when they are here for sleepovers. These small things stay with you! Mom always had new PJs for us to wear on Christmas Eve. I have no idea how she did that sometimes because I know money was tight in those days.

Family- Mom loved having family around her. When I was a child, she always made time for her parents and ensured we had a supportive circle of extended family. I remember large family gatherings at my Grandma’s house- Aunts, Uncles, Cousins. We would be sit around the big dining room table, play games, eat, drink and laugh. These memories bring me such joy and comfort now as most of these family members are no longer here.

This week, I got the pleasure of spending precious time with my Sister, Jill. She is one of the greatest gifts my Mom gave me. She is also a lovely reminder of my Mom – I look in her eyes and I see my Mom’s eyes looking back at me. I watch her hands in motion and I am reminded of my Mom’s hands. I hope that people also see and are reminded of my Mom when they look at me.

If you are lucky enough to have your Mom with you today, give her a hug and tell her how you feel. If, like me, your Mom is no longer here, honor her spirit today and hug someone else, show someone a kindness, nurture someone or something. Be grateful for life, love, and laughter!

Driving to the cottage on Friday, I was listening to CBC radio.  In honour of Father’s day, they were asking people to call in their responses to – ‘Tell us about the moment that you realized that you had become your Dad’.  I laughed, thinking about the numerous times that I have tripped over my own feet, dropped something, hit my head and fallen going up or down the stairs.

Embrace your inner klutz…

My dad was a walking accident waiting to happen~ and so it would seem am I!  My dad had no hair on his legs from the knees down. We used to tease him that his shins were covered in scar tissue!  I remember walking into my dad’s house one weekend to find him on his hands and knees on their cream coloured, carpeted, staircase.  He was scrubbing frantically with a brush, pail of soapy water beside him.  The carpet and wall were splattered with red. It looked like a crime scene! He had fallen walking up the stairs!  Unfortunately he was carrying a tray with two full bowls of tomato soup. My dad broke the same leg twice.  His head was always nicked and scabbed from banging it into stuff.  That was my dad…bumped; scraped; bruised but usually smiling.  My dad taught me to embrace my inner klutz.  A trait I have tried to pass along to Jesse, since that particular gene has also been lovingly passed to him.  Not only did my dad embrace his clumsiness, he was able to laugh at himself along the way.

Work Hard…

My Dad worked hard his whole life, sometimes working two and three jobs and often volunteering too.  I remember when we were small, he would work his factory job and also work evenings in a local gas station, pumping gas.  On evenings and weekends when he was off, he would sometimes be at the ball diamond, coaching softball. For years, my dad was also president of the housing cooperative that we both lived in.  He and my stepmother spent countless hours working so that people had a nice place to live that was also affordable.  It was often a stressful and thankless job.  My dad had a strong work ethic.  He taught us, through his example, that a “job worth doing is worth doing right”.

Tend your garden…

Later in his life, my dad was an avid gardener.  He loved his little koi pond and he loved his lilies.  His garden was always filled with dozens of lilies all different colours and varieties. He seemed at peace with his hands in the soil, his knobby knees black from kneeling to pull weeds. He would be very unhappy to see the state of my current ‘garden’- untended and full of dandelions.  I wish he were here to help me!  There have been so many times since his death that I have missed him terribly.  Last year, after a really hard day, I cried on my drive out to the cottage. I was craving a hug from him and feeling like I was likely a disappointment to him (long story).  When I walked down the path to the back door of the cottage, something colourful caught my eye.  Three bright yellow lilies greeted me. They were blooming for the first time that year! A sign from him?  I choose to believe so.

Say I love you…

My Dad taught me this lesson the hard way.  During his absences in my life, I longed to hear him tell me he loved me.  At times I didn’t feel loved. This created in me a need, almost obsessive, to make sure that the people I care about, know it.  This sometimes makes people uncomfortable!  It has at times, warranted an eye roll or two from my kids, especially when they were teens and their friends were around! Maybe, if they read this, they will understand.  I always wonder…if I am not here tomorrow, will they know?

Later in our relationship, my dad said he loved me often and in many different ways~ a warm bear hug; trudging down our street during a blizzard through four feet of snow to help us when our furnace broke down; dressing up as Santa for Jaymi and Jesse; and another time dressing up as a giant furry chipmunk, in august, to surprise the kids at their birthday party.

My dad’s life wasn’t easy. For most of my adult life I was worried about the stress he was under.  I can only think of one or two times that I ever heard my dad complain.  He smiled through most of his troubles ~ two broken legs, heart problems, a difficult marriage.  I have a picture of my dad, taken in his family room. It is one of my favourite pictures of him.  He is slouched sideways in his chair.  His body language tells me that he was exhausted; mentally and physically.  His brow is creased, his head resting in his hand, but when I look in those soft brown eyes, this is a twinkle there.  His mouth is tilted in a tired half grin. That was my dad ~ full of contradictions: happy, but at the same time sad; tired but always working; bruised and battered but strong; loving but at times absent.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad.  I will always love you.