I won’t lie (well not right now anyway). These hypnosis sessions are hard. I haven’t written for the past couple of weeks, trying to wrap my head around what I have learned in the past two sessions. One thing I have noticed is that my life has been molded and affected by a few events in my young life. It is interesting that each week, exploring different feelings and emotions, I end up in similar places, trying to refocus, reframe and heal the past.

Session 3 was all about facing fear. Under hypnosis, we journeyed back to the first time that I remember feeling fear as a child. This one was easy for me. As I a child, my first memories of my family are very happy ones. This may be because I wasn’t privy to everything that was happening around me. I was young after all! My first memory of fear, is of waking up in the middle of the night to yelling and crying; my parents arguing. When reading this, you will think, yeah, no big deal, all families and parents argue. All true. This one was different though and culminated in my eight year old naïve self standing on our upstairs landing, yelling at my Dad not to leave me. I don’t want to go through all the details from that night, but suffice it to say he left. They later divorced. I spent a good part of my childhood from then until I was 20 or so, without him in my life.

Hence the fear; fear of change; fear of abandonment; fear of confrontation; fear that I had done something wrong. If you are a child of divorced parents, you can likely relate!

During hypnosis, we explored what that fear felt like as a young child in that situation and what it looked like as I was looking down at the past from a subconscious level, high above. The fear felt dark and heavy and I could feel a weight and pressure physically in my chest. The fear manifested into a wall, smooth and black, totally surrounding me on all sides, non penetrable, protecting me and closing me off.

At a subconscious level, we looked at the situation using logic and with the value of hindsight. As an adult I could understand why my Dad left, why my Mom wanted him to. I can look at the situation and see their actions through the lens of each of their pasts. I can forgive them for their role in causing me fear.

What was interesting was looking at how that protective black wall built from fear, has manifested itself in my life. I acknowledged the wall that once had protected me as a child, has morphed into something I hide behind as an adult. I avoid conflict at all costs. I do not let people ‘in’ easily. I don’t like to speak up for fear I will be rejected. I fear social situations for the same reason. I feel like I have been hiding my whole life.

The hypnotist asked me if the black wall was serving me anymore. I was surprised to acknowledge that with this new acceptance and understanding, the wall now felt suffocating. I told her that I wanted it gone. I wanted to emerge from the fear that had been holding me back. This is all very hard to explain here! She talked me through it – explaining that some of that protection and fear is important to keep. The part of it that sees danger and helps to keep me safe, for example. Instead of removing the wall completely, we visualized the wall becoming something useful. A friend that walks beside me, guiding me, helping me when I need it but not suffocating me. A friend who will allow me to be me without the unrealistic and all-encompassing fear. This was a very liberating exercise.

I’m sure some people reading this will think it all sounds a bit ‘woo hoo’, lol. It does! The bottom line is that the hypnosis, visualization and re-framing is all helping me to change the way my mind works. I already feel different.

Session four, yesterday, was about hurt. It is basically the same process each week, dealing with a different emotion. We go back into the past to the first time I remember feeling each emotion, look at the event and the people involved. The session was similar to the session the week before on fear. I was nine and at the mercy of the adults around me. It was emotionally painful to go back there and I could physically feel the suffering of my young self.

The visualization had my adult self pulling my young self from this situation. Together we went away from the situation and the hypnotist had me talk, out loud, to my nine year old self. Wow. Hard work! Through this exercise, young Kelli was acknowledged, protected, understood, loved, supported and ultimately freed from the hurt. I have always felt like that part of me has been stuck in the past. I am beginning to understand young Kelli and to acknowledge the part of me that is her and to appreciate her for who she is. Together we will move into this next chapter of our life, whole and free!