Yesterday was day two of this hypnosis journey that I am on. I am feeling very optimistic about this process. I am already beginning to see progress and changes to how I am feeling and how I am thinking.

Yesterday we worked back to a time when I first felt depression. Once again the therapist had me separate my subconscious from myself. My subconscious would then look down at myself, and the situation. I was able to work through the initial situation that came up, pretty easily, however my subconscious mind kept prompting me, leading me back, on my time line, even further, to childhood and a completely different situation. A difficult one.

I am not going to bore you with the details, mostly because I don’t want to go back there again and also because I feel like I worked really hard to resolve it and the hold it has had on me for most of my life. The hypnosis and visualization process is very helpful in that it helps you to separate yourself from the event and the people involved in the event. I was able to pull my younger self, through visualization, from that situation. We observed it together from a distance – my 57 year old self and my 10 year old self. We both learned so much from each other. While adult Kelli was more rational, young Kelli was scared and hidden. It was a gift to go back and be with my younger self in that situation. Though painful and emotional, I was able to comfort the younger version of myself and tell her that it would be alright. I visualized taking her from the situation and giving her a loving and meaningful hug. She in return, gave me a deep understanding of who I am and why I am the way I am but also she gave me an understanding of my way forward.

Little Kelli learned at a young age to hide. She learned to walk the straight and narrow, to follow the rules, to be seen and not heard. She learned to be invisible, to avoid conflict at all costs or someone may get hurt. She learned that everyone around her mattered more than she did. A hard lesson for a child to learn from the people around her that were supposed to love and nurture her.

It was a lightbulb moment for me! No wonder I feel guilty every time I say no to someone. No wonder I never want to speak up. No wonder I hang back in social situations, afraid to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, be the wrong thing. It was programmed in me at 10 years of age.

Through the visualization exercise yesterday, I was able to tell my young self some much needed truths- you are not responsible for other people’s happiness; it was not your fault: you matter.

The hypnosis exercise yesterday also allowed us (old Kelli and young Kelli) to confront the others involved in that past situation. We told them the effect that their actions had on us. We were painfully honest. It was difficult, emotional work. We sat face to face with them, and explained the hurt, the fear, the longing. When we were done, we looked them in the eye and we offered forgiveness and then even a long healing hug. It was powerful and meaningful in a way that is beyond expressing in mere words, here.

I cannot explain how this exercise has affected me. I feel like a weight has somehow been lifted. I feel relief and I feel so hopeful that I can move forward without this old oppressive heaviness dragging at me.

It is early days but I feel like I am changing and growing.

Note from the author: Some of you are likely wondering why I am sharing this stuff. I am writing about my journey because it is healing to me. The record of it, will help me to remember the hard work I am doing and to keep me focused on the path forward. I am sharing it though in the hope that what I learn and go through will help someone else who has struggled or is struggling to come to terms with the person they are and the person they want to become. If, by me sharing this, someone else learns something or reaches out for help, it makes it all worthwhile.