Blink…and you are there; that birthday that just a few short years ago seemed really far away; that age that seemed so very old when you were twenty. Fifty.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and no, I am not writing this in an effort to get lots of birthday wishes, though they are nice, and yes they’ll help to make this birthday easier. It is not so much this birthday that I am having a hard time with as much as it’s about how fast these past 50 years have gone. How did I get here so quickly?

A very wise man (yes, Kevin I am talking about you!) this week told me that it is a good thing that the time has gone quickly. After my initial shock and the look I gave him that plainly said, “You are nuts”, he went on to explain. “It’s a sign that you are enjoying your life. A sign that things are good and you are happy. Nobody who is miserable wishes that time would slow down for them”. Hmmm… very true… a wise man, indeed. All of which is fine and dandy except that I still feel like I was twenty yesterday!

I remember back in grade school- yes, I can remember that far back- being taught about time. Our teacher had us do personal time-lines. We plotted our lives on a simple linear graph. All of our life experiences, to that date, became notches along that straight line. This morning as I am thinking about time and the passage of it, I couldn’t help but wonder what my time-line looks like now. It certainly hasn’t been a straight line! I think of all the milestones passed, all of the happy occasions- weddings and births; all of the sad events- deaths and disappointments. I realize how blessed I am. On my time line, there have been more of the happy and less of the sad.

In my continued discussion with Kevin about the passage of time, he questioned me. “You do realize, that time hasn’t actually gone fast? Time is time- it is not fast or slow. It just is.” To which, I gave him my ‘I’m not a total idiot’ eye-roll. Of course I realize that my time has not gone faster than anyone else’s. “However”, I philosophized, “My perception is my reality. To me, especially today, I feel time passing very quickly”.

You cannot think about and analyze time without thinking about and analyzing missed opportunities and the correctness of the decisions you’ve made along the way. I’ve decided that my time line won’t measure my mistakes-realistically, there likely isn’t enough space! Instead, my timeline will record the lessons I’ve learned along the way. Many times I’ve made several mistakes before said lesson was learned!

Time is defined in the Oxford dictionary as “the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole”. A few observations about this definition:

Indefinite– yeah, right! I know, through experience, that my time will not be indefinite. I’ve been to too many funerals to believe that.

Continued progress– I hope so! I hope that throughout this new phase of my life I will continue to progress; to learn new things, to have new experiences and to see new places. At this juncture of my life, I have lots of plans. I want to learn to play the guitar. I want to take some art lessons. I want to finish the two books I have started. Kevin and I have lots of places left on our bucket list of travel destinations. I want to spend quality time with my Sister. There are people I have yet to meet and maybe someday grandchildren to know and to love. There are a few years left of work and I hope to make a contribution there and enjoy it at the same time. There are disappointments and mistakes I have yet to make and big lessons I have yet to learn.

According to Oxford, time includes your past, your present and your future. I can’t do anything about my past, except to maybe accept it and move on. My present, I do have control over; not so much the stuff swirling and happening around me, but my reaction to it. That is one of those hard-faught lessons I’ve learned from many, many mistakes. I can’t control what you or anyone else does or says but I can control how I let it affect me. Of course, I am not a master at this yet! It is something I hope to improve upon in my future.

Regarded as a Whole-My life, my time-line, my past, present and future is my ‘whole’.  This ‘whole’ is not all there is, however. I said above that my life is not indefinite. This is true. I will, one day, hopefully a long time from now, die. What I hope will be indefinite, is the essence of me. I hope I will live on in the memories of my children and god-willing, someday, my grandchildren. Maybe even a few of these words that I have written over the years, will linger. I hope, in this way, my time-line will go on for a very long time, maybe off of this page and onto the next.

So, tomorrow I am 50. I will work hard to embrace it, even celebrate it. Like my wise man said, “Time is time- it is not fast or slow. It just is.” As I’ve said many times in the past few weeks…’age is just a number’. It doesn’t define me. Somehow, fifty seems way younger and healthier to me now than it did when I was twenty and twenty year olds seem way younger, too. Go figure…